After that, we never talked about that again.

read the manuscript in the cafe on weekends. As a less diligent editor, no matter how late I usually work overtime, I don't work on weekends. Sometimes it is necessary to separate life from work. Otherwise, every time I go shopping and go to the bookstore, I can't avoid a tired mental work.

opening the manuscript, I didn't read a few pages before I saw the familiar name-Ronald Egan, 's early translation of Qian Zhongshu's "tube cone". Almost two years ago, I took one of his "strange novels" courses. From "Yi Jian Zhi" by Hongmai in the Southern Song Dynasty to the ghost stories spread in Chang'an in the Tang Dynasty, from the unknown "Guang Yi Ji" to the well-known Pu Songling, he quoted the classics and had a clear train of thought. Professor Egan has a deep knowledge of ancient Chinese, sometimes in classical Chinese and sometimes in English. What is particularly shameful is that, as a native Chinese speaker, his knowledge of ancient Chinese is extremely shallow compared with him. He talked about words that could not be used in daily life, such as a few treasures.

there are only a dozen people in the discussion class, in the yellow building of the Institute of Education. When the professor talked about the excitement, he stepped on the chair with one foot. When it comes to the ancients who are far away from him, they seem to be talking about a friend who has already known each other. The sun was shining outside the window, and the bright light came through the cracks in the blinds. I scratched my head and racked my brains to figure out what to write for my term paper. How could that scene, when I think of it now, be so peaceful and peaceful?

the little brother in the coffee shop brought me an iced latte. I gulped it down, and the little brother smiled and said, "you have to stir it up before you can drink it." Leave me alone, my mouth full of bitterness.

I still remember that when I heard Professor Egan talking about Su Shi, I read his poem "Life is like everywhere, it should be like Feihong stepping on snow and mud." So much so that I choked up. We looked at each other and didn't know what had happened. When you are alive, when you go here and there, you will leave some traces accidentally. What do you think it looks like? Like a swan flying everywhere, it happens to settle somewhere in the snow.

I continued to read the manuscript. At the back, I saw the three words Lee ou-fan and stopped again.

two summers ago, I went to City University of Hong Kong to attend a seminar on world literature held by the Department of Comparative Literature of Harvard University. I took courses given by Mr. Li Oufan and Mr. Zhang Longxi.

in the class, Mr. Li Oufan talked about poetry and put the translations of French, English, Chinese, Japanese and Spanish together for the students in the classroom who understand these languages to read them aloud. In this way, let us experience the feeling between the verses, even if the layman of these languages, can still have a slight sense of the rhythm of the language itself, like entering a forest full of wind chimes, a gust of wind blowing, Ding Dengdong, particularly wonderful.

at that time, I had just finished my first year of courses and papers at Stanford, made up my mind to do literary criticism, read a lot of idle theoretical books, nothing was systematic, and I didn't know where I was going. But these bits and pieces have been dangling in my head. I can't forget it.

in my second year in the United States, I began to think about my future and experienced more urgency and anxiety than ever before. After the interest in literary theory gradually waned, there was no clue about the doctoral application, as if everything came to a standstill, with no answer or response. Maybe I went the wrong way. This is my first thought. The second thought is: what to do?

I began to prepare my master's thesis. I went to the library to look up materials, and every day I read theories that I might not need for the rest of my life. While worrying about whether I can graduate, I spend the rest of my time writing novels. At the same time, I was suffering from depression. First I was drowsy, then I heard voices, and then I found that I couldn't feel happy. Many people like to persuade people with depression: be happy, stand up and get over it, and look on the bright side. But the truth is not like this, depression is not unhappy, but there is no way to feel happy; not simply negative, but tired, tired of everything. After a month of psychotherapy had no effect, he began to take medication.

fortunately, I still have a few friends to chat with. Easy and difficult is one of them. She is a person with a sharp mouth and a heart of tofu, and her personality is a little split. She also came to the United States to go to graduate school for the desire of writing, but at this point, we both understand that writing and literary research are two different things, love and career are two different things, and what we want to write and what we can write are two different things. So usually, we don't talk about works, literature or papers, we talk about something innocuous, such as movies, books, actors, families, but avoid the confusion and doubts at the bottom of our hearts.

once, I asked her, if one day, we went to another city, would you want to meet?

she didn't even look up: no. She said: make friends on the road, don't take your friends on the road.

at that time, we hung out every day, taking classes, soaking in the library, writing papers, taking exams, shopping, eating, and practicing Japanese. I secretly read her novels and her articles. I was amazed at her changeable style, rich language and rich inspiration. Envy, but can not learn, that is what she was born with. What we talked about, up to now, is worthless. But in such a free, closed, confused environment, it is particularly valuable.

after the publication of my new book, the Notes of trapped Beasts, I told Yi Nan, write a book review for me. She wrote: "you should be heroic and plunge into this black-and-white society with no distinction between right and wrong."

after graduation, I broke up with that kind of life.

when I return to my country, I will face the problem of living. Need to find a job, get a salary, and live in the imperial capital with high rent. Before that, apart from writing screenplays, writing articles for magazines, working as editors and writing book reviews, I had never done anything to get paid.Work. In the interview field, there are still a lot of questions. They question my education, my experience, my experience and my ability. In the end, there is only one thing to say: our position has been adjusted and there is no such position. The day before, they were interviewing me.

in easy and difficult words: "those who have been here or have not come here will think that we are groaning without illness with the capital of the beloved son of heaven, sighing the bitterness of endowing new words, until the last bit of will is worn out by this society. finally become what they call an ignorant scum raised by their parents' state money."

Unfortunately, we will not let them succeed.

although our ability is to wield a sharp knife to the source of despair and pain in the world of words, to open the cage and let every lowly and dark soul stand on the altar.

our belief is simple: hate the success of the secular meaning, hate the rules of life.

finally, I ushered in the day when, at the dinner table, in those simple and rough daily exchanges, whether it was working or walking in the neighborhood, people were talking about how to survive, how to make money, how to set up a hukou, how to buy a car, how to buy a house, how to get married, how to have children, and how to talk about cosmetics and soap operas.

No one ever said to me:

"when you are alive, when you go here and there, you occasionally leave some traces. What do you think it looks like?" It's like a swan flying everywhere, accidentally settling somewhere in the snow. "

"the feeling and rhythm between the poems are so beautiful."

"you should heroically plunge into this black-and-white society with no distinction between right and wrong."

I quite agree with Yuanzi that people who live in the world must firmly grasp something in order not to fall into the abyss of nothingness. For me, it's writing. Catching it is like grasping a lifesaver in Torrent, never knowing how "normal people" live.

however, we haven't talked about that since.

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I think. I finished that cup of coffee. Close the computer. It's like saying goodbye to one of your own times.