Care about me, okay? I'm pretending to be sick.

one of my favorite things to do in primary school is to pretend to be sick. The most common things are headaches and stomachaches because these two kinds of pain have no external wounds. You just need to act well enough, lie down on the table with your eyes listlessly, hang your head and get ready to lean on the bedside as soon as you get on the bus. 80% of the chances are to leave notes that can be tricked into the hands of the headteacher.

I like pretending to be sick so much, not because I don't want to go to school or do my homework, but every time I see my parents drive anxiously to pick me up at school, touch my forehead and eagerly ask me where my head hurts and whether I want to go to a big hospital in Guangzhou to see a doctor.

later, my parents' work became busier and busier, and I was placed in foster care with my relatives for a long time. Although we live in the same town, we can only see each other once a week. To catch a cold, I secretly turned off the water heater and took a cold bath for 20 minutes. I forgot how badly my tears were running when I sneezed that night. I only remember that when they drove downstairs to pick me up at 11:00 in the evening and accompanied me to the doctor, my parents' faces were covered with guilt and quarreled, blaming why they didn't take my daughter home for life. I was in the car, happily drinking the soup they had stewed in advance.

I just want to create a desire so that they have reason to care about me, but I have never said directly: "I want you to care about me".

when I grow up, I think I am sick. To see their distressed eyes and get their loving care, I deliberately deceive them or hurt myself.

once I couldn't figure out why we would express our love and need for love by hurting ourselves in front of close people, just like the genius boy in confession who invented some machines that could be cruel to animals to get praise from his mother. But in fact, the genius boy is not a cruel person, he just attracts his mother's attention in this way and uses powerful machines to prove himself to his mother.

it seems that since childhood, we have all courted and expressed our needs in this opposite way. The more we love each other, the more likely we are to kill each other.

in the traditional view, it is not so appropriate, even frivolous, to say "love" easily. When I saw the serious expressions on my parents' faces in my childhood, I once misunderstood that "expressing love" was a shameful thing, and I used a sharp way of "hurting myself" when I later expressed my need for love.

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the day before yesterday, I saw several children playing by the slide. One of them was very naughty. He especially knocked down other people's scooters and overturned other people's building blocks. An old man like his grandmother tugged at his shoulder and said, "Why are you so troublesome?"

I heard the child say, "they don't play with me, but I want to be with them."

after neglecting the front and behaving badly, the little boy used aggressive behavior, obviously just to cover up his isolated loss.

the little boy's grandmother asked, "Why didn't you tell them?" I didn't hear the little boy's answer. Maybe he was whispering, or maybe he didn't speak. Then the next evening I passed by the slide again, and the group of children was still there, and the little boy in blue was still watching the group of children squatting on the ground and occasionally deliberately breaking other people's toys.

seeing his loneliness, I don't know why I remembered that I wanted to call my parents many years ago, but I had to pretend to be sick to get my head touched. In the past, I didn't dare to show weakness or tell others, "I want to be with you," so I either pretended to be sick or strong, not deliberately giving others a gap so that they could come in, or pretending to attack others to protect themselves. I don't seem to care about them at all.

I said "hmmm" and then bowed my head and smiled sheepishly.

began to lodge with relatives at the age of seven, and began to live at the age of ten, which alienated my family for a long time. On the one hand, it made me yearn for the attention of my parents, on the other hand, because of my self-esteem and traditional culture, I was ashamed to express this need and desire. So in high school and college, it took me a long time to learn to be independent. I learned to cook, meet people alone, travel calmly on the crowded No. 3 line, and keep a distance when living alone. Don't show weakness to anyone.

grow up a little bit, suddenly realize that people who are strong for a long time will become gentle, because they have enough independence inside, so in the face of close people, they are no longer afraid to rely on each other, and the other person should leave at any time. Understand that moderate dependence and easy expression of love is a more advanced way to get along.