What is the experience of the second child when the only child talks about growing up alone?

I can't decide which is more or less the loneliness of growing up or the neglect of emotion. I just want to talk about some of my experiences as a second daughter.

1

recently, I lost 800 yuan because of returning the installed furniture.

Last month, my parents' home was decorated. To reduce their financial burden, I advocate buying them a sofa combination from the Internet, including a sofa, coffee table, and TV cabinet, which is a high-selling set of products in a wood furniture store. The color is also the brown color my mother chose, or the kind of velvet sofa, which is supposed to meet her requirements. I sent her the pictures on the Internet and asked her for her opinion:

"This is fine, that's it."

"Are you sure? Then I'll place an order. "

wedding hostess dresses are destined to provide confidence and charm. The collection is in different beautiful materials.

to install the sofa before check-in, I bought the order directly regardless of the price and the activity.

but when the sofa got home, it was said that two backs were missing. I hurriedly contacted customer service and found that the installer was in the wrong position after careful consultation. This may give them a bad impression. The carpenter who is working on the cupboard at home says the sofa is of poor quality. Then I don't know which passer-by said, "the color of this sofa is not pretty."

I carefully asked my family for advice, hoping to get an objective evaluation. After all, I didn't see the real thing about the sofa. However, all I got was "OK, not bad" and so on. But I could tell the good from the bad, and I insisted on returning the sofa suit, even though they were still trying to hide it and live up to my kindness.

however, while I was still in the mood of grievance, my mother took her brother and sister-in-law to the furniture market and bought the so-called "solid wood sofa and coffee table" for herself at a cost of about 4000 yuan. She also spent three thousand yuan to book a "high-end" coffee table for my brother. I was a little confused when I heard it. It didn't look like I had no money, but I was willing to buy something for my son.

I tried to call and say what I was thinking several times, but I hesitated again and again. Later, when I called, I only asked about the specific situation but did not express my dissatisfaction. This incident reminded me of the past that had been sealed with dust for a long time, and I was depressed for some time.

I am angry with myself. From now on, I will try my best to stay out of the family business and let them do what they want. However, when I went home a few days ago, various conditions were still impacting my psychological line of defense.

2

as soon as I got home, the sofa in the living room caught my eye. The brown-red sofa was first covered with a thick cushion, and there was a thin mattress on the cushion, and there was a purple double sofa next to it. I asked my mother:

"Mom, what kind of road is this?"

"the thick cushion is matched with the sofa, and the thin mattress is added by myself. It can be changed and washed if it is dirty." My mother must think she is very capable.

"then what's with the purple sofa? It doesn't match very well. "

"Gee, the purple sofa was originally bought cheaply and intended to put in the room, but there happens to be an empty seat here. Put it here first." My mom always had her reasons.

I look around at the wallpaper, lights, and curtains, which makes me realize the reality that I should not buy a sofa for my family because it will not match very well. Although there are all kinds of styles at home, there will be a harmonious sense of home when we put them together, which is beyond our reach.

I learned the true meaning of "public justice" a long time ago. Every time my parents quarreled when I was a teenager, I would interpret this truth to myself. I listened to my mother's tearful cries and wanted to beat my father up. When I angrily got even with my father, my father slowly analyzed those things again, and I would suddenly realize that there were such difficulties. As a result, it is often difficult to decide in the middle. When I get older, I gradually understand that it is very difficult for things to have extreme right and wrong, but they just hold their own opinions and grievances.

for my brother, I have lost the right to communicate and talk. I can no longer make a phone call like that when I was at school. It's just a rebuke. Now that he has a wife and children, no matter how lazy he is, I can't say a word of reproach, especially since I'm already married. When I was not married, I would occasionally ask him why he didn't know how to make progress and why he was not filial to his parents. He will list a lot of facts for me, such as what he has done for his parents, how he has been treated, and so on. It is only then that I know that different opinions and grievances are not limited to parents, but also between parents and children.

my parents dote on my brother so my family has become a situation in which my parents work hard to make money and my brother lives relatively easily. When I got home this time, my parents took turns complaining and bombarding me with nothing more than how my brother and sister-in-law depended on them and how they were gluttonous and lazy. However, whenever I retort to them, "then don't give it, let him do it himself."

"Oh, he doesn't have any money. What can we do if we don't help?" That's the answer.

"your doting way has already hurt my brother so that I still can't be independent." You have to go on like this. " I tried my best to make my parents understand the problem, but in fact, they knew much better than I did, but they just couldn't get rid of the burden.

"but isn't it natural for me to buy a house for my son to decorate? If I decorate the house for him again, I will fulfill my duty. Let's see how he can expect us to be old. "

this sentence went like this before my brother came of age: "the law stipulates that I have to raise him as an adult. I raised him until he was 18, and I don't care anymore. " Now, my brother will be 30 years old. Children are about to go to primary school or live with their parents, and the basic expenses of living are all for their parents.

I remember chatting with my brother when I was in junior high school. I asked him:

"my family is so poor and my parents work hard to make money. Why don't you study hard?"

my brother smiled and said to me:

"just be silly. Our family is in the richest period, don't you know?" Figure out for yourself how much money our parents can earn a month from the business they have on hand. "

I can't figure it out. Even if my brother gives it to me, it turns out to be a shock, and the income is still good, but my parents are indeed working very hard. It's just that what I see is the hard work of my parents, and what my brother sees is the economic benefits.

and my parents just can't be ruthless and regard raising children as their lifelong obligation, which puts a lot of financial pressure on them. I was angry, but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't change the ingrained beliefs of my parents, especially my mother. So that my brother now has very serious dependence psychology, and even thinks that his parents do not give him money to spend, but let him embarrass himself, this is the parents' fault.

on the third day at home, I arranged to go to the street to buy clothes for my parents. My father said no, but my mother wanted it. I took them to try them in some stores at home, and finally, my mother bought a favorite coat near the evening, and the clothes bought for my father were not only short-lived but also very cheap. I bought a new suit for my little nephew before I went home so that my brother and sister-in-law would not be unhappy.

in the first few years of my work, I worked very hard to save money, but I didn't want to encounter a day when my parents were lying in a hospital bed but shelved because the cost of the operation was not enough. I don't want to turn against my brother to support the elderly, but the current situation makes me feel anxious. I have my own family to bear after I get married, and I know that I can't devote everything I have to taking care of my parents. Once my brother is forced by life, that kind of blame will fall on me. I was a little scared. I tried to change my parents' point of view, but I tried for many years to no avail. As the parents grow older, this worry grows with each passing day. Two old people in their fifties are desperately trying to make money for their son's decoration and front house. I feel sad and powerless.

3

but in the process of growing up, I encountered more emotional neglect.

ever since I was a child, my grades were all right, but I always thought I was stupid. Why? Because my parents never praised me for being smart! One of my mother's most common words is: "your brother's grades are not good, but he is smart. Once he works hard, his grades will certainly come up." It's a pity that my brother hasn't been able to work hard. And I can only secretly hide my report card behind me, and I don't even have the right to show it off.

my brother may be a little clever, but I'm certainly not stupid. But when my mother praised me again and again, she would only say, "although my girl doesn't react quickly, she studies very hard, so her grades are all right, and she often gets a scholarship." At that time, I thought that all the achievements came from my rote memorization. My grades were not good enough. It must be because I was not smart, so I needed to redouble my efforts. This concept led me to sink into the illusion of hard work. I didn't choose to find a shortcut to education, and I always used a stupid way of learning.

for this reason, I am deeply troubled by an inferiority complex. Many teachers warned me to be confident and happy in my weekly notes and final comments. However, I can not walk out of my dead-end, I bear the torture of self-doubt and self-denial. When I told my mother that I didn't do well in the exam this time, she often encouraged me:

"it's gold, it always glows." I believed it. I thought I was just temporarily overstocked in the middle of the coal, but no one showed me a way to come to the fore. Later, I don't know where my mother heard the saying:

"the time, the place, and the people are in harmony, and none of them is indispensable." Not this time. Maybe something is missing. " Once again, I firmly believe that I choose to continue to work hard and wait according to the original method, and never know where the problem lies.

I remember one thing very clearly. It was when I was in primary school when it was Mother's Day. The Chinese teacher called on us to make greeting cards for our families and write our blessings. When I got home from school, I closed my room, cut out a rectangular card with scissors, pasted a door on it, then painted the curtain with a paintbrush, opened the door, and I wrote, "Happy Mother's Day and good health!" Thinking that I had never made a greeting card for my father, I made one for my father, too. But when I gave them the card excitedly but sheepishly, they just glanced at it, said, "that's what you like to do," and went on with the task at hand. Since then, I have lost the pleasure of doing craftsmanship, and feel that all play is out of the way, and only by studying hard can I repay my parents.

people often say that crying children have milk to eat. If you ask me, sensible children don't have sugar to eat. Every time my parents come back from buying something to eat, to avoid a fight between me and my brother, they will give us two points in advance. But at the time of division, I often gave him more for the reason that my brother was thinner and needed to eat more. My brother has never understood the truth about a long stream of water. He always eats up his snacks quickly and then comes to me for help. If I didn't give it, he would go to his parents, and every time they would come and intercede with me and ask me to give some more to my brother. In this way, every time I eat snacks, I always eat less than my brother. But on the contrary, I am still healthier, but my brother will occasionally have an illness. This made my mother love her son even more, for fear that something would happen to my brother.

one of the things my mom often talks about is when she first married my dad. It must have been complained by my grandmother that I was barren in the first year. When I got pregnant with my brother, my mother was very thin because of the poor family conditions. She said she was pregnant and my grandmother didn't believe it. Only when my brother was born did I raise my eyebrows and exhale for my mother. That's why my mother loves my brother very much. But she seems to forget that I have my story, too. My family has been all boys since my grandfather's generation. When I got to my father, I finally got a girl and got sick and died in the age of starvation. So my grandparents and dad were looking forward to having a girl, and when they got pregnant with me, they said that if it was a boy, they were going to give it away. I am also expected to be born, but also to meet everyone's desire, why can not always be concerned about it?

and my excellence is most useful only when my mother shows off to everyone. Whether it's shopping, bathing, or visiting relatives, my mother likes to tell me about my excellent deeds as long as she takes me. I can only stand aside and do not speak, silently let her say. Once, I was proud of it. I thought my mother would be proud of me, so I forced myself to get better grades to make my mother more respectable in front of outsiders. Before my college, I always felt that I studied, not for myself, but my parents. I want to be their glory. I want to cover the loss my brother brought to them. Let them know that at least I am hardworking and competitive.

until I was in college, I found myself at a loss. Although I still follow my previous study habits, I listen carefully and take notes in class, and I can get good results in the exam. Whenever I win a scholarship or honor, I always call my parents to report the good news. At that time, probably because I was out of town, I felt that it was the most harmonious time for me to have the best relationship with my parents. But after all, college life is not a very tense pace, there is a lot of leisure time, and I do not know what to do. Sometimes I will follow others to go shopping and chase dramas, but my heart is always in a state of emptiness and can not find the direction.

I have been worried about this for a long time, including during the postgraduate entrance examination, I am also working hard for my parents, so I am under a lot of pressure. Spend a lot of time every day in the self-study classroom, thinking that in exchange for a good result. To read more books, I often don't know much about it and feel anxious inside. Because there was too much pressure on the college entrance examination, he was out of order in the math exam, and his mind was once thrown into confusion. As a result, he got into the present university. I want to wash away that defeat through the postgraduate entrance examination. But unexpectedly, because I can't relax in my study, I still use my clumsy learning method, so I fall into math again.

but during the postgraduate entrance examination, more independent thinking has brought me different gains. I gradually became convinced of my interest in words and tired of chasing fame and fortune, so I soon recovered after knowing that I had failed the postgraduate entrance examination. Near graduation, I took a lot of pictures with a digital camera at home and took pictures with my classmates. All these have laid the foundation for my future exploration of hobbies. At that time, I just wanted to go out more and take photos as a record, and a random job could support me.

4  

when I failed the postgraduate entrance examination and fell in love, when I graduated looking for a job, my brother was going to get married. My brother was also self-willed in the matter of getting married. He had only known a girl for two or three months, so he brought her directly home. My parents saw that the girl looked all right, and with my brother's insistence, they began to worry about renovating the house and getting married without asking too much. At that time, my parents still had no time to take care of me, and all the Waterloo incidents I experienced in the early days of my entry into society, as well as the psychological repair of my injuries, were done by myself.

at that time, there was no direction in looking for a job, and the major I studied had nothing to do with my interests. I often followed my classmates to attend job fairs, send resumes and take exams. Perhaps it is precise because I have no desire and do not care about the results, so the job search is also smooth, the results of several exams are good. I just need to decide which job to choose.

I still remember walking by the moat of my hometown one afternoon, feeling aimless as if I had been abandoned by the world. My parents are busy decorating and preparing the details of the wedding, and can not provide any references for me. I seem to have become an orphan, staying alone in a time and space that does not belong to me. The more I thought about it, the more aggrieved I was, and I cried. There are several fortune-telling stalls on the roadside. I even want to sit down and talk to them and tell them how I find a job. I am still confused about whether my parents love me or not. But I just wiped my tears and walked home again.

before long, my sister-in-law became pregnant. My mother bought her a lot of supplies for pregnant women and spent more than 500 yuan on a set of pajamas. I thought to myself, my mother is so generous! At that time, I hadn't decided whether to stay at home to work or go back to the city where I went to school, but one day, an idea hit me:

"if I want to travel, it's more convenient to start from the city. I don't have to say hello to my parents, and the transportation is more convenient." It was such a simple idea that strengthened my heart to work in other places. This may be the first step in the awakening of self-awareness, and I began to make decisions about my ideas, rather than choosing to stay in my hometown to take care of my parents.

later, the nephew was born, and the parents devoted themselves to taking care of the newborn. When I first entered the workplace, I didn't have any guidance or advice. I learned it now. Although he didn't experience a lot of touching, crawling, rolling, and fighting, he also grew up in a person's self-exploration. Just looking for a house, moving, buying daily necessities, all done by myself. In the nearly three years I have worked there, I have moved three times and my parents have not come to see me once. Although I have invited the whole family to play with me many times, and I bear all kinds of expenses, my parents always don't come because the family is too busy.

because of being out of town had plenty of time to kill after work, and I met several good colleagues. Under the influence of one of my colleagues, I began to read books. The earliest one was "one hundred years of Solitude" borrowed from colleagues. In the middle of the hard work, the book was asked to go back. I began to buy books and read e-books on my own, a habit that continues to this day. Although I haven't achieved much, the world in the book has brought me great comfort in many moments of self-confusion.

after working for a few months, I bought my first micro-order with nearly two months' salary. After work, I went to the old neighborhood where I was about to be demolished with my camera and passed an alley with tall maple trees and lots of cats. It was only when I was doing these things that I felt that I was alive, and I sensed that some of my inner vitality was reviving. It is in the past few years, that I continue to dissect myself, trying to find the root cause of inferiority. Is it external, then I lose weight; is it internal, then I read; I begin to avoid being like everyone else, I try to explore my heart. For a while, I found a definition of self-confidence:

"confidence is not the belief that you can do anything, but that you can achieve it through hard work." This sentence relieved my inferiority complex to some extent. I also share this sentence with a friend who is also in low self-esteem. She is also the youngest at home, but she is also burdened with her parents' expectations and self-pressure. But it wasn't long before this truth didn't apply, and I gradually put aside my obsession with the problem. On the contrary, instead of thinking about how to become confident, I gradually like myself on the way to finding the fun of my life.

5  

fall in love with a good friend who has known for many years. My mother likes him very much because he is tall. Everyone boasts that the person I am looking for is tall and so on, and I just smile when I see other people's surprised eyes. Later, my boyfriend wanted to go back to work in his hometown after graduating from graduate school. I also plan to go with him. This means I need to find a new job. But my mother urged us to get engaged before I could find a job. Maybe I wanted to end my business as soon as possible, and at her urging, I got engaged in a hurry. Later, the husband's family wanted us to get a license first, and I refused several times because I didn't find a good job. I thought my mother would be on my side, but then I gradually began to persuade myself to get a license. Maybe it's because I think I'll never find such a tall boy again. At my insistence, I didn't get the certificate until my work was confirmed.

in preparation for marriage, my family did not ask for much gift money, which was also used to buy dowry things. My mother and my brother just gave some money to the bottom of the box, and all the other customs were done at my mother's request. At that time, I tried to buy us a computer as a dowry, but I refused because it was not easy to deliver. During the renovation stage of the house, the man's family was financially tight, so I paid for some furniture by myself and claimed to my parents that it was the money given by my parents.

my old house was demolished and the house I was assigned didn't have my name. I don't care. I'm self-sufficient and don't expect much from my parents. When I bought a car at home, I put together the down payment. My brother was supposed to pay off the car loan, but it was my parents who were paying it back before I paid it back for a month or two. I turned a blind eye, too. After we got the new house, there was a row of front houses downstairs. My parents wanted to buy it, but they didn't have enough cash. They even wanted to use the property certificate as collateral to get a loan from the bank, and they wanted to buy more property for their son. My brother went even further. He wanted his parents to buy two small sets and promised that they would repay the loan on their own. As soon as I heard this, I immediately hoped that my parents would refuse and that the car loan would still be repaid by my parents. Coupled with the front house, I thought that they would be overwhelmed.

what should be said, what can be said, has already been saying. It is up to the parents to measure exactly how to do it. After all, everyone has the right to choose life. I'm relieved.

6  

I feel more and more clearly that everyone carries the brand of the past. My mother has eight brothers and sisters, but when my grandmother was ill in hospital, her beloved second son insisted, "Don't save it, it's useless."

on the contrary, it was my mother who called one by one to scold her brothers and sisters and sent her grandmother to my home to take care of her. When I was hospitalized in the later stage, I went to the hospital many times a day to cook all kinds of delicious food for my grandmother. At that time, grandma was a little confused. She just said she wanted to eat hand-rolling noodles. When my mother hurriedly got home and finished it, she had already forgotten that she wanted to eat hand-rolling noodles.

what Grandma said on her deathbed was: how much private money she has left, let her take it out and share it with her sons. My mother did not listen to my grandmother and took out the money and shared it equally with several sisters who were involved in the care.

I have heard my mother say before that she had good grades and often participated in literary and artistic activities organized by the school. Coupled with her lively personality, she was very popular with teachers and classmates at school. But when my uncle's baby was born, my grandmother let my mother go out of school to help my uncle take care of the baby. My mother, who was still a junior high school student at that time, was a child herself, but she still brought my uncle's children to primary school. My mother was very sad just after school. She often stood by the side of the road with her little nephew in her arms and watched the other friends go to school with their schoolbags on their backs. Several other sisters of my mother were in a similar situation and fell victim to their elder brother or younger brother.

when she visited relatives at Grandma's house when she was a child, one of the things that impressed her very much was that she handed out food in this order:

grandchildren.

so every time the apple is sent to me is the smallest, and the biscuit given to me is always the smallest. I didn't understand at first. I thought I went too late, but even if I ran to my grandmother quickly for the next meal, she still followed the old rules. Send it to me later. I talked to my mother about it, and she just advised me not to think about it. I thought that my mother, who had experienced this, would learn a lesson and no longer continue this concept, but her self-consciousness was no more than half her life's experience, as did she and several of my aunts, digging their hearts out for their son.

in the early days of my pregnancy, when I realized that I had some hope of being a son, I felt a little shameful. I don't want to follow their old path again. Since I have been in school for many years, I want to have my mind and thoroughly clarify the backward thoughts in my bones. I questioned my heart, again and again, only to find that I only catered to the secular vision. I tried to go the other way. I told myself that I wanted to be a daughter, and I was surprised to find that my daughter had a lot of benefits. But now, walking into the third trimester, I found that I no longer care about the sex of the fetus. However, I still only want to have one child and want to give Ta all my love.

7  

once I took a walk after dinner and talked to Mr. Kong about his second child. He hoped that we could have two children, too. The reason is that a child is lonely and easy to develops into a more selfish character. At that time, when I thought of what I had experienced, I was so excited that I yelled at him:

"Why do you want the second child to be a daughter only after the first child is a son?

Why do you say it doesn't matter if the first child is a daughter? give birth to a second child!

Why can't I buy a house for my daughter while I buy a house for my son?

of the two children, one is very sensible and the other is not so sensible. Is this a burden for sensible children?

want to have a second child. Have you asked how it feels to have a second child? Does the second child want to be born as a second child?

how many children of one child are willing to accept younger brothers and sisters to share toys with him?

.

are you sure you treat your son and daughter equally? Or can you guarantee similar love for every child so that they can't feel the difference? "

teacher Kong shook his head helplessly and said, "I won't take it for granted that I will have a second child."

the dragon gives birth to nine sons, but the sons are different. Due to the influence of congenital factors and acquired environment, each child's character and experience will be different. I am not sure that I will be able to give the right way to guide, and I am not sure that I will be fair and selfless. It is because of these uncertainties that I will not consider the problem of having a second child for the time being.

all the post-90s have reached adulthood, and the post-80s have also entered middle age. our era is facing the reform of the two-child policy. We still need to think twice about whether to respond to the policy or family planning. The long article of Wang Mengwan, a student from Peking University, has also aroused widespread discussion that the lack of emotional education for "Chinese parents" and some deep-rooted traditional ideas will indeed hurt children's psychology. Whether the loneliness and willfulness of children in the process of growing up can be made up for by acquired education, and how many drawbacks caused by the fixed thinking of "Chinese parents" can be overcome also need more in-depth thinking and improvement.